Hello.

I'm just wondering - did you see The Apprentice tonight? The finale?

No?

Really?

So, I'm the only one that totally set my phone alarm to remind me not to miss the finale of The Apprentice?

Right.

Well, I saw it. And, DAMNIT, if you had seen it too, we might have been able to have the following phone conversation right as the show ended:

(Cell phone plays Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body", or perhaps the part of Ciara's "Oh" when Ludacris totally breaks it down talking about southern-style get wild old school's coming down in a different color whip whip whip picture perfect you might wanna take a flick flick flick flick flick call up jah-z tell him pop up the bottles cuz we got another hit hit hit wanna go platinum i'm who you should git git git git git ludacris on the track get back trick switch on tha 'lac i'm flexin steel same price every time hot song jumped on cuz ciara got sex appeal and i keep the penis cleanest baddest spinnin on stainless wheels could care less about your genius I bump yo status i keep the stainless steel trunk-rattlin what's happenin huh i don't even think i need to speed bass-traveling face-crack-a-ing huh turn it up and make the speakers bleed dirty south we balling dawg and never think about falling dawg ghetto harmonizing surprising running back cause the song is called, depending on your taste. (Yes, I did just type out the lyrics for Luda, and yes, that is the ringtone I hear every time my sister Sarah calls me, which is at least twice a day.) (And yes, Sarah, I am calling you back soon and thank you for your sweet and inspirational comment on the sad entry that I've left up on the top of this site for way, way, way too long. Every girl should have sisters as awesome as mine, but I'm the lucky one who does.)(And also, yes, I did type penis cleanest up there. Look, I've heard the varying opinions on what it is Luda actually says there. I'm sticking with "penis cleanest" because not only does it make me laugh, it's nice message about hygiene and sexual responsibility thrown in the middle of a rap song with a video that features a half-naked girl getting down on top of a Cadillac singing "Oh." It's refreshing.))

(AND....back to the conversation we were just about to have.)

You: Hello?

Me: Um, what just happened?

You: I KNOW!

Me: Did Trump just offer the job to the man candidate AGAIN?

You: Did Trump really just ask his new Manprentice whether or not he should hire that little girl?

Me: Yeah, dude, she was a little girl!

You: I mean, she's 23! Why isn't she wasting her late-early twenties at the same bar in the Depot District every night?

Me: I know, right? Girl, have a good time while you can! Don't be making me feel guilty about quitting my job to go back to school when I'm two months shy of 29, now! I'm proud of that shit!

You: And stop making me feel silly about using the word dude in conversation even though I'm so close to thirty I'm wondering if I should care about a 401K plan!

Me: Shut it.

You: hee.

Me: Dude, did that Manprenticecleanest just say "No, Mr. Trump, this show is called THE APPRENTICE, not The Appren-TI, and therefore there should only be ONE Apprentice, and that should be ME"?

You: Yeah. I bet he feels like an asshole right now.

Me: He should. He just took a million kajillion dollar job away from that girl.

You: I know, it's not like they were going to split a grand prize or something. Give her a job! Sure, why not? I've got a job, you've got a job, give that poor girl a job!

Me: I only have a job for, like, one more paycheck.

You: Oh, right. Yeah.

Me: Ahem. That's weird.

You: Yeah.

You: By the way, I don't think Manpren-TI actually said "therefore" at the end there.

Me: Sure he did. He's a Rhodes Scholar. Did you miss that? Because Donald said it so fast I'm not sure he knows what that means.

You: Well, Rhodes Scholar or not, I'm pretty sure he was too geeked out there at the end to remember to stop fighting to not get fired and act like a damn HUMAN and give that poor girl a job. AND, I'm pretty sure he didn't say "therefore."

Me: Well, I said "therefore." Maybe I should be the Rhodes Scholar around here.

You: Maybe you will be.

Me: Yeah, that'd be cool.

You: So what is a Rhodes Scholar, anyway?

Me: No idea.

You: Good luck in school, there, my friend.

Me: Look, I'm going to be fantastic in school. Things are much different these days.

You: How so?

Me: Well, there's Google, for starters. And I'm almost 29, for god's sake. I just realized that today, by the way. Hopefully I've learned something in the last ten and a half years. God.

You: Right. At least you actually know what you want to do and stuff.

Me: I know, seriously. I was just trying to remember what my first major was.

You: I remember. It was studio art.

Me: No, actually, that's what I switched to the second semester of my freshman year. My first major was "Family Studies", I think.

You: Not enough Xanax in the world.

Me: Clearly.

You: Studio Art? Huh. I've never seen you, like, draw or paint or anything.

Me: Yeah. I dropped my drawing class after I drew the most realistic picture I had ever drawn, this ridiculously dreary still life of a plant and a water pitcher and some poetry books in the upstairs loft bedroom of my first apartment, the one that flooded that one time.

You: How Virginia Woolf of you - you know, if you had drowned yourself in the floodwater.

Me: I'm not sure that works.

You: Yeah. Moving on. Remember the big fans that they put in your living room to dry the carpets? It sounded like an airport landing strip in your house.

Me: Yeah. We laid on the floor on our stomachs in front of them and pretended we were airplanes with our arms. I got a C on that drawing, by the way. I was so mad. I remember thinking that I didn't need some 29-year old strung-out grad student with an "I know what Art is and you don't" complex telling me what I saw and what I didn't see.

You: That seems to be a theme in your life.

Me: True.

You: You clearly don't need anyone telling you what you see and don't see.

Me: No, I know what I see, or at least I think I do. But I want to know what other people see now.

You: That's very... broad of you. Going into optometry?

Me: ...

Me: Was that supposed to be funny too?

You: I know. It didn't work. I imagined it working.

Me: Your imagined reality did not manifest. You should try infusing your quatumn field with your intention.

You: Smoke crack much?

Me: Never.

You: I've always wanted to. I wonder what that feels like.

Me: I'm not sure I want to know what that feels like. That's a reality that scares me.

You: Oh, please, it has to be fabulous, why else would people be shriveling into scabby prunes with glass pipes imbedded in their hands? Besides, I don't think that drug-induced perception is the same thing as reality.

Me: Why not? It's what that person is experiencing, so isn't that their reality?

You: Do we really have to have this discussion?

Me: No, I'll have it with my friends at the great big Rhodes Scholar Dinner of Fabulous Smartness and Acheivement.

You: Well, have fun with the twenty-three year olds. Don't forget your backpack.

Me: I'm making a cute totebag out a vintage sheet, actually.

You: Totebags are so nana. I think you're supposed to go buy a messenger bag at Urban Outfitters in order to get into class.

Me: Or I could just bust through the door with my walker.

You: I think you might be having a mid-life crisis.

Me: Please. I refuse to think of my early-late twenties as my "mid-life." I have, like, four careers to create.

You: There's always botox.

Me: By the way, the second season of Nip/Tuck just came out on DVD.

You: My god, you are such a reality show dork. It's rotting your brain.

Me: Nip/Tuck is not a reality show, it's just a really bad show. And ACTUALLY, the only reality show I watch is The Manprentice, bitchface. Oh, and Martha's Femmeprentice. That's it.

You: Uh-huh. And what did you get from Netflix today? A deep, insightful documentary?

Me: The L-Word. Season Two.

You: Uh-huh. And?

Me: And...

You: Apocalypse Now? Born into Brothels? Palindromes, maybe?

Me: I have seen those, you know.

You: What I'm asking you is - what is in your DVD player RIGHT NOW?

Me: Now? As in, at this moment?

You: Yes.

Me: ...

Me: I'll have to look.

You: Just say it.

Me: Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I hate you.

You: See? You will have something in common with the other freshman.

Me: Hate.

You: Hey, guess what?

Me: What?

You (hanging up the phone): (click.)

Me: Hate.

(Your cell phone plays Luda Luda Luda)

Me (before you can say hello): Don't ever let that happen again.

You: You should probably get some sleep. This is ridiculous.

Me: I know. Future Rhodes scholars need quality sleep. Guess what?

You: (click.)

Me: Every time.

Lucy loves you |