And, man, I am finally going to say it.

Brad and I broke up.

Ahem.

You have no idea how good it feels to type that. And not because, as that last sentence might suggest, I am happy that Brad and I aren't together anymore. Can a person truly be happy less than two months after parting with the person you shared your life and heart with for close to three years? I don't know the answer to that, not really. But it does feel good to just type the words, and know that I've said it. Part of saying it here is part of my process, I realizing (as I type.)

So, yes. What's been hard about looking at and thinking about this personal corner of cyberspace for the past two months is that last entry - the one below this one. The one where I wax on and on about finding a place to live; a place to live with Brad. What's hard about that entry is that within 72 hours of posting it Brad and I had decided not to live together anymore.

Which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was not easy.

The second thing that's not easy about this website is that... well, it's a website. On the Internets. That my friends read; that my family reads. That friends of my family read. That Brad's family reads. (I do realize, of course, that the fact that I've written about 2 entries this year might mean that... no one reads this site. I can accept that. No, no, really, I can.)

This website is about more than just me, it's about the things and people I choose to talk about. It's about me realizing that the things I write about here can potentially affect the people that I write about. It's probably not news to anyone who knows me and reads this site that I have struggled with realizations about myself connected to this space, and have essentially avoided it because sometimes, well, it's just too much to think about.

(I also realize that the entire last paragraph makes me sound like a dramatic self-obsessed blogger with a teeeeeeny tiiiiiny violin on her shoulder playing the saddest music ever made, what with all the "this little page of html that costs me $8.95 a month is haaaaaaard, y'all" stuff, but - you know. You're dealing with the child of two writers (one fiction, one philosophy,) two teachers, two mad geniuses here. The second child, the one with the fairness complex. The one with the fascination with identity - my identity, your identity, my company's identity, our society's identity, what the fuck does identity mean anyway, and why identify ourselves at all? Can we choose that identity, or do we succuumb to the identities given/offered/forced upon us? Is it more important to outwardly identify yourself with truth or with power? Or without one or the other of those things? And what does an identity of power mean, and more importantly, do I want to identify my self as powerful? (You get the picture. I could run circles around myself for days with this. Clearly.)

What I'm trying to say is that Brad and I broke up, and it was hard. It is hard. And without breaking the trust of our relationship, I think there are a few things that I can say here and feel good about. I can say that there are things I'm sad about, because I love Brad. Because I miss him. Because we didn't break up because one of us betrayed the other one. Because I'm learning that you can love someone and realize that it's time to let go.

Realizing that it's time to let go - man, that is a hard one for me. I am historically not good at letting go. The challenge, in this situation, is to look at what I've learned. I've learned that it's okay to decide that it might be time to take care of myself, and for Brad to take care of himself. I've learned that deciding to make the right choices for ourselves is okay, even if it means we're not making choices together anymore. I've learned that loving someone means understanding what they need, what they can give, and being able to accept the truth about both things. I've learned that loving myself means the same thing - understanding what I need, what I need to give to myself, and not avoiding the truth about what I need to change. All that doesn't mean that I have to stop loving anyone - because I can't comprehend love just... stopping. It doesn't just stop, that's one thing I know for sure (to borrow Oprah's line.) I'm learning that I need to rearrange that love somehow; I need to reshape it into a new form. I want to reshape it into appreciation for our relationship, for the many times that I was happy, for the many things that I learned about myself along the way. I need to remold it into loving Brad for who he is and what he means to me, even if he's not with me. I'm choosing to see the relationship for what it was, and what that means about where I am as a person. (There's something about choosing my identity wrapped up in there, I just know it.)

There's another funny thing about that entry below. I asked Hey-Soos for something, and guess what I got? I found a place to live - a place to live that I am absolutely in love with. I don't have hardwood floors, but I have a fantastic green living room. I have a bedroom AND I have an office/sewing studio. I have a five minute drive to work and a carport and a front yard and a watermelon pink bathroom with a pedestal sink and round mirror. Not to mention that I have a fantastic landlord, one that cares whether the light fixtures in the house are cute and that the bathroom fixtures don't leak and that told me I could paint whatever I wanted and, I'll just be honest, is a fabulous person. I'm not just saying that to butter her up, y'all, she is great. Just to prove that the Chi I begged to find me a house was listening, she actually read my website before she even met me (Hi Judy!) and... SHE STILL WANTED ME. When I drove up to her house to sign the lease she had pink flamingos in her yard, and I knew this was meant to be. Praise Hey-Soos, everyone.

The thing is this - I'm okay. I'm getting it. I'm learning how to be the person I want to be. I'm figuring how to get back on the right map - back on my map. (That only makes sense in the context of a conversation I had a while ago with friend - I've felt for a while that I've been driving on this road, headed the right way according to the map I've looking at - but DAMNITALLTOHELLINAHANDBASKETWITHTOMDELAY, I just realized that I'm using the wrong damn map.) I'm sad; I'm lonely; I'm excited; I'm happy; I'm heartbroken - and all in the same day, honestly. It changes hourly right now, and I have no choice but to go with it.

Lots of things have happened in the last couple of months. Hell, if you take the last six months and add the things that have happened to the people closest to me, you could write three movies, two books, and Showtime series with at least two seasons. But throughout all that, I have to say that I am proud of something. I'm proud that I am becoming a more truthful person, in many senses of that concept. I've started expressing my thoughts and feelings and opinions in times where I used to avoid confrontation. I'm working on figuring out who I really want to be. I'm working on figuring out what I am now that I don't want to be anymore.

When it all falls apart, as my sister has been telling me, sometimes that's when things start to feel beautiful again. I'm working on it.

Lucy loves you |