Every morning as I walk into work, I am greeted by Julio. Julio works for the office complex. I'm not sure exactly what his job description is, but it entails wearing a hard hat and crossing guard vest 24/7, lots of sweeping of the sidewalks (even in the pouring rain), chasing the pigeons out of the parking garage, and being very, very friendly to everyone who crosses his path. Julio is a compact man, sort of reminiscent of an Oompah Loompah, but not quite a Little Person.

Julio is my friend. I think.

I'm not really sure, you see, because Julio does not speak English. I only took Spanish in kindergarten, so this is how our conversation goes, each and every weekday morning as I walk up to the door of the office:

Julio: HOLA! LUCY! Hola, Lucy! Hola!

Lucy: Hola, Julio!

Julio: Como esta, Lucy? Como esta?

Lucy: Bien, Julio!

Julio: Bien, Lucy! LUCY, BIEN! Lucy es bien, Lucy es bien!

Lucy: Y, I mean, Et, I mean, EHH TWO?? Julio?

Julio: Bien, Lucy! Bien, bien!

Lucy: Bien, Julio. Adios!

Julio: Mucho espanol, Lucy - MUCHO espanol!

Lucy: No, no, Julio, une poquito espanol. Une poquito. (meaning: this is all the Spanish I know, let's stop here! Please?)

Julio: No, Lucy, MUCHO, MUCHO. Lucy (something in Spanish) mucho espanol!

Lucy: Er... (not sure what to say next)

Usually, the conversation ends there, and I say "Adios, Julio!" again, smiling, shrugging my shoulders as if to say "Maybe next time, Julio!" Sometimes, though, Julio is just in the mood to talk. And talk. At least once a week, the conversation continues like so:

Lucy: Adios, Julio.

Julio: LUCY! Bien, Lucy! Mucho, mucho, MUCHO Espanol.

Lucy: (smiles and wonders if now is a rude time to walk away.)

Julio: (Something something something) caliente, Lucy! Mucho caliente!

Lucy: (Smile starts to strain, because it's like 42 degrees outside, what the hell could he be talking about? Oh well, go with it.) Si, Julio! Mucho caliente!

Julio: (laughs) Si, si, mucho caliente! Lucy (something) mucho espanol! Caliente, caliente!

Lucy: (giggles) Si! (thinking: Wait, is he hitting on me?)

Julio: Si! Lucy, (a very long sentence in Spanish that I don't understand at all, ending with a tilting up sound in his voice that I take to be a question)? Si?

Lucy: Um, no espanol, Julio. (shakes head, upturns palms)

Julio: No, no, Lucy, mucho espanol! (Another very long incomprehensible sentence, this time Julio furrows his brow)? Si, Lucy?

Lucy: Si! (looks around to see if anyone is listening to this exchange) Um, okay, sure, si!

Julio: (Continues long conversation, using his hands to either indicate a bread box or a big fish or a marriage license), (looks up at the sky and points several times)! Si?

Lucy: Caliente! Bien, caliente! Si! (thinking: what the hell am I doing, agreeing to carry his child? Run away with him? Give him my liver to sell on the black market?)

Julio: SI! Si, Lucy! Si, bien, si!

Lucy: Une poquito espanol, Julio.

Julio: No, no! (Repeats what I think is whatever he said before, except this time he points to the parking lot several times), si?

Lucy: Adios, Julio!

Julio: Caliente, Lucy!

Lucy: No, frio, Julio! (thinking: Thank God I remembered how to say Frio. Frio? Is that it? Cold? Whatever.)

Julio: Bien, bien! Bien, frio! Mucho, MUCHO espanol!

Lucy: (gives up and finally goes inside)

Sometimes he's funny, like when I walk by him in the parking garage and he shakes his fist at the ceiling and says "Caca pijones! Caca! Caca!" It took me a while before I understood that he was talking about the pigeons. However, if I am mysteriously missing one day, you might want to look for Julio first. If he's missing too, we're probably across the border getting hitched or selling my liver. One of the two.

Lucy loves you |