Do you ever sit around wondering what magical ability you would pick, if you had the chance to choose? You know, being invisible and spying on people, instant teleporting ability so that you can beam yourself to a tiny cafe in Paris around 11:15 a.m. on weekdays when you've had enough of the work day already, or flying, maybe?
Flying would be rad. Think of all the traffic you could bypass and airports you could avoid.
I would hate to have ESP, I think. I don't think I'd ever leave the couch if I knew what was going to happen next all the time. That's no fun.
Well, I'm here today to tell you that Brad, the coolest BF in all the world, has his very own magical ability. Maybe not the one he would choose, but one that comes in very handy here and there.
Brad can cure the hiccups.
I get the hiccups kind of often, in comparison to all the non-hiccuping people I encounter everyday. I don't know if I breathe wrong, or forget to breathe, or what, but sometimes I'm having a normal conversation and HICCUP.
"So I was just sitting there, and the neighbor guy kept staring at me. I turned to look at my reflection in the glass doors, and realized that my hoodie was caught on top of the HICCUP!"
"Hello, how are you to-HICCUP!"
"Tall skinny venti latte with HICCUP!, please."
"Recording Academy, this is HICCUP."
Sometimes I get the kind of hiccups that are so intense they actually hurt. They hurt so HICCUP bad. Okay, let me try that agai-HICCUP. Just trying to breathe. Hiccup.
I've tried all the weird things people do to get rid of hiccups: drinking water backwards, holding my breath, lemon wedge with vermouth. None of these things work for me immediately, I usually have to just go on about my business until I'm hiccup-free.
A few months ago, Brad and I were hanging out on the back porch with friends and beverages made with hops. Hops = hiccups for me. I got so frustrated that time that I was almost in tears, and at some point Brad turned to me, put his hand on my arm like Jesus, looked me in the eye and said "Your hiccups are gone. You do not have hiccups any more."
I blinked my eyes, and just like that... they were gone.
He can do it now from across the room even. Last week, he was in the kitchen, I was miserably hiccuping on the couch in the living room. "Hiccups. Gone." And they were.
Last night on the porch: "Look in my eyes. You do not have the hiccups. You do NOT have the hiccups." I did not have the hiccups. It was so cool.
I'm pretty sure he should start charging people - maybe we should take out an ad in the phone book, make business cards, send out a press release, and create a website. I could buy him a long robe and some Nag Champa to complete the atmosphere. I think $20 bucks a session is good place to start, since it only takes about 15 seconds total. He could have people lined up at our door, I could herd 'em in and out of there fast... one person a minute, why, that's $1,200 per hour. We could be rich.
If you want him to cure your hiccups through email, I just might set up a PayPal account. Let me know.
And now, for your random journal link of the day:
www.dooce.com. I love her design, and her pictures, her baby, and the fact that I can never again say "cheeseburger" without giggling.
Lucy loves you |
