Hey there. Been a long time. Shouldn'ta left you, without a dope beat to step to (step to).

Hmm. This nicotene thing is sneakier than I thought. Is that even how you spell nicotene? It just looks wrong. Anyhow, my thoughts are meandering. I'm having a hard time focusing. I yelled at my cats yesterday, and had to apologize later. I bit a hole in my lip when I was stressed at work. I have cried at reality TV and bad Cher songs more times this week than I can admit without truly embarrasing myself. My fingertips are bothering me. That's right, my fingertips. Just pressing the keys down is grating on my nerves. Not to mention that my toes are touching right now, for the love of god.

Here's the thing - I don't even want a cigarette, not really. Actually, I dropped a pen earlier, and it rolled under the couch next to ... you guessed it, a cigarette. One of Brad's old American Spirit Menthol Lights. I sat on my couch for close to ten minutes, holding this little piece of contraband, pretending to smoke it. It felt nice. It felt good to pretend to flick the ashes away with a quick jerk of my thumb. I could taste the menthol on the filter. I imagined the smoke hitting the back of my throat in just the right way.

Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of our sliding glass door and threw the damn thing down the garbage disposal. (I'm not made of stone, people. I had to completely destroy it just in case.)

I wonder if this increased sensitivity is a temporary thing, or if I will always tear up at the end of the Golden Girls intro from now on. (Thank you for being a fri-e-enddddd ... it's just so moving.)

Okay, see? I just realized that I had a point going up their in the second paragraph. Point is, it's weird to me that I don't sit around craving cigarettes so much, that I'm not jonesing for a smoke break or anything, but that I'm still acting looney tunes all week. It has to be nicotene withdrawal, right? Or was I just totally insane before I started smoking, and the cigarettes helped to keep my insanity at bay?

I guess time will tell. (Insert scary demon laugh here.)

Oh, by the way - TWO WEEKS!

Lucy loves you |